Networking Is a Skill, Not a Personality Trait?

What did my first networking event in Seoul teach me?

My first networking event taught me that connecting with people is a skill you can learn, not a personality you are born with. I was incredibly nervous before it. It was last year, in Seoul, after I had moved to South Korea on my own without knowing anyone.

I would not say I was scared, because I knew I would be able to make friends. But obviously, it would take time, and I would have to put myself out there. So I did. I went to event after event, met so many different people and connected with more of them than I ever expected.

Growing up, I was labeled the shy, introverted child. As an adult, I did not want to carry that label with me anymore. And since small talk is such an important part of making those first connections, I made a decision: if I do not like it, I will learn how to do it well.

Are you an introvert or an extrovert, or maybe neither?

Most people are not purely introverts or extroverts, and the label matters less than your communication skills. After all those events in Seoul, I started questioning the two boxes I had always believed in. It is hard to squeeze anyone into just one of them.

Research backs up the in-between. In a 2013 study in Psychological Science, organizational psychologist Adam Grant found that “ambiverts”, people who sit between introversion and extroversion, brought in more sales revenue than either extreme.

My personal theory is that many extroverts seem more extroverted simply because they have had more practice communicating with people. I do not really consider myself an introvert. At the same time, I cannot connect with everyone easily. I do not like small talk at all, and yet I absolutely love being around people and connecting with them.

Which book taught me how to connect with people?

Dave Kerpen’s The Art of People is the book that changed how I approach social networking. Before I moved, I watched a YouTube video by Wizardsly that recommended it. I bought it right away, and then it sat on my shelf for a very long time.

Only after I started going to all these events in Seoul did I finally open it. The book promised to teach me how to connect with people, and it really did. Three of its lessons made social networking feel natural for me, even as the girl who used to hide near the snack table.

Why should you help people feel connected?

Most people feel lonely, even when they look confident, so making someone feel included is the fastest way to build a real social connection. This idea from Kerpen changed how I walk into every room. That woman laughing with three people at once might feel just as unsure as you.

It is not only a feeling. In 2023, U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy issued an advisory on loneliness, reporting that about half of American adults say they have experienced it.

Once you understand this, networking stops being about impressing people and becomes about helping them feel connected. That is a much softer, kinder goal, and one introverts are often naturally good at, because we tend to notice how other people feel.

• 1Look for the person standing alone. Walk over first. They will be relieved.
• 2Introduce two people who would get along. You become the connector without carrying the conversation.
• 3Remember names and use them. It is a small detail that makes people feel seen.

Why should you stop waiting to talk and start listening?

People love talking about themselves, which is good news for anyone who finds conversations tiring: you do not have to carry them. The first step to understanding people is listening to them, to understand why someone thinks the way they do, or why they act the way they do.

Science agrees. Harvard neuroscientists Diana Tamir and Jason Mitchell found in 2012 that talking about ourselves activates the brain’s reward system, and that roughly 30 to 40 percent of everyday speech is about our own experiences. In their experiments, people even gave up small amounts of money to talk about themselves.

The mistake most introverts make

Here is a pattern I see all the time, and I used to do it too. You walk into a room full of people and wait for someone to approach you. It feels safer. It feels polite.

But if you are the one being approached, you will usually end up doing most of the talking. They ask the questions, you answer, and suddenly you are explaining your whole life story to a stranger. That is the exact opposite of what makes socializing easier.

How can you be better at socializing?

To be better at socializing, ask more questions: the more you ask, the less you have to talk about yourself, and the more people like you. Instead of waiting, walk up to someone and ask how they are doing. Or, if that feels too ordinary, ask what good thing has happened to them today. It is unexpected, it makes people smile and it gets them talking about something they enjoy.

Questions also make you more likable. In a 2017 Harvard study led by Karen Huang, people who asked more questions, especially follow-up questions, were rated as more likable by their conversation partners.

Give the other person space to share. Follow up on what they say. And at the end of the night, they will probably remember you as someone they had a really great conversation with, even if you barely talked about yourself. That is the whole point. Flip the cards for openers that skip the weather.

Why does who you are online matter for networking?

People often look you up before or after they meet you, so your online self should feel like the woman they just talked to. Kerpen puts it simply: who you are online is who you are in life. If your profile feels completely different from you in person, it creates confusion instead of connection.

This is great news for introverts. Social networking does not only happen at events. A thoughtful comment, a genuine message after you meet someone or a profile that reflects who you really are all continue the connection. For many of us, that quieter, written follow-up is exactly where we shine.

If your profile does not feel like you yet, start with my guide on building a personal brand online without feeling fake.

What is a soft power networking plan for introverts?

Soft power is influence without force: listening well, remembering details and making people feel seen. A simple plan for before, during and after an event lets you use it without running out of energy. Start by sizing the event to your social battery.

How do you build social connection that lasts?

Real social connection grows through small, repeated moments: a check-in message, a coffee, sharing something you think they would like. One great conversation is a beginning, but friendships and professional relationships are built over time.

When I moved to Seoul alone, I did not build my circle in one night. It took many events, many questions and a lot of listening. But it worked, and it worked without me pretending to be louder than I am.

Social networking does not require a louder version of you

You do not need to become an extrovert to be good at social networking. You need curiosity, a few good questions and the courage to approach people first. Remember that most people feel lonely, listen more than you talk and let your online self reflect the woman you really are.

Your quiet energy is not a weakness in a room full of people. Used well, it is your soft power.